Sometimes, I still feel the pressure of creating a ‘perfect’ experience for myself– even though I’ve done a lot of work on unlearning the flavor of perfectionism.
I’m human and of course, it still creeps in at times.
Instead of going down that spiral today– I’m going to begin again from a place where I greet my messy moments with grace.
Places where I fall over and remember I know how to get back up.
A few weeks’ ago, when I was deep in sadness– I told my husband I was drowning.
He said in return, “Stacey, you know how to swim“.
Ah, hot damn.
In that moment, I wanted him to wallow with me, but instead he threw me one of the round life-saving devices from the shore.
As much as I didn’t want to like what he said, it was exactly what I needed.
A small powerful cold water truth to my desire to be rescued in that moment.
He was right– I can rescue myself.
It didn’t mean I immediately pulled myself out of those waters– but it gave me the lifeline I knew I could use when I was ready.
When we stumble or fall or feel like we are drowning– we can be in those messy spaces and feel the feelings– even flail around.
When we are ready, and not a minute before, we can remind ourselves we know how to get up again, to swim ashore.
And here, in these imperfect experiences— is the magic of living.
Wherever you find yourself- beloved, know that you can fall or falter and that –-instead of messing it all up— may be the exact way forward.
Love,
Stacey
A similar thing happened with me this weekend. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety and avoiding going to sign forms to get my medical records transferred to new doctors. Reliving the last 14 years and what ultimately ended in divorcing the man I thought would love me though anything is something I don’t want to do. The nerve stimulator for my bladder disease isn’t working properly and my gut instinct is it’s not fixable and it’s scary because I went through years of “we can try this or that but there are no guarantees” I felt like a guinean pig and was so lost and alone back then and all of those feeling are running through my head so much lately. The man I have opened my heart up to sees me, he looks at me and when I say my go to “I’m ok” he calls me out. I fell apart this weekend, he held me and said just what I needed to hear. “You are one of the strongest people I know, but you can hang up that cape you’ve hid under in the past, I see you, I love you, and I’m with you.. You will not walk though this or any challenges in life alone as long as I’m breathing ”
I’ve heard from so many people how strong I am, I don’t know how you do it, etc and in my head I’ve always thought… I don’t have a choice. I never realized someone other than my children, parents, and best friend saw the cape. I’ve never felt like I can fully come out from under the wonder woman cape I’ve carried and wrapped myself in for so long. Hearing someone say it along with the messages I’ve been getting to step outside my comfort zone finally clicked…I don’t have to try to be wonderwoman, I need to be real with those who love me, and hang up the cape.
Debbie, thank you for sharing your journey. Yes, these capes we wear to get through the rough patches are ready to be laid down in favor of being real and messy. Grieving another layer of our losses can feel so vulnerable — and yet there is powerful release in allowing. You are an amazing woman and I love that the people you love are here wanting to support you <3