I’ve been digging around in my life like a vague exploratory surgery that promises nothing and is expensive, uncomfortable and difficult to explain to others.
This 18 month pilgrimage inward has been the most labor-intensive, pain summonsing and identity-killing experience I’ve ever had (and I’ve already traversed physical, spiritual and financial bankruptcy this last decade).
I feel like I’m sitting in a birth canal or a high dive or some really scary tunnel waiting for “the moment” to catapult myself forward. Have you had a moment like this before?
I want someone to push me. Forward for sure– backward (although so comfortable and familiar) now feels like going to an 8th grade dance when you are 17 — sweaty, awkward and quite unsuitable for the place I now find myself in.
The waiting (still the waiting!).
So I continue to sit with myself. I cry daily at interesting intervals — some of which are momentous contractions of life purging (the layers of onion peeling on topics I truly thought I had already finished with). Some tiny little speed bumps of ordinary life.
I don’t really know how to speak of it to others– so mostly I just talk to the trees (interestingly enough, they typically speak back).
Two nights ago, I decided to try EFT as a means to further connect to my body and its energy.
This experiment ended with an almost 35 year old childhood wound bleeding profusely through me, drowning me momentarily in its enormity.
I gasped for air like I was dying.
I sorta was.
And quite honestly, I’m okay with all of it.
A soul friend and I remarked that “we’ve never felt so ALIVE” as we have now.
Because this is presence. This is the human experience.
This is the not-knowing.
The clearing of outdated paradigms that can’t come forward with us.
The pained joy of alchemy.
An awakening for which I have no life manual (quite frustrating for my success-driven mind).
A call for spiritual evolution that equally delights and terrifies.
It asks us to co-create our flavor magic like a love song that has not yet been written.
And as alone as I’ve felt, what I discovered when I’ve been brave enough to speak is that we are not alone. We are feeling things we’ve never imagined. Experiencing synchronicities that we almost wonder if we’ve dreamed up.
What is real? What is True?
How much fun is it to be here and ask all the questions, be ALIVE for all the things.
I truly wouldn’t want it any other way.
I choose you– LIFE– eyes wide open, every day. And if I ever forget, please slap me– or at the very least remind me, I always have a choice.