A few weeks’ ago, I decided that I wanted to add 15 minutes of cardio to my day each morning. I thought 15 minutes was a good baseline — something that I couldn’t “not do” and it would also be enough time to get my heart rate racing.
I told myself I was going to do it everyday.
Hmmmm. . . . it worked for a week or so. And then, it didn’t. I did everything but this cardio goal. I cleaned up the house, I paid bills, I did every stitch of laundry laying around — all of the chores I typically avoid all of a sudden became a priority.
I told myself that I fell off the wagon. And it was an ugly internal monologue that I’ll spare you the details of.
For days, I didn’t do it and a fear grew large inside of me. The fear that I failed. That because I didn’t workout on this particular day– I would never do it again. That if I didn’t do it everyday, I would lose my drive — FOREVER.
This fear ate at me like a corroded battery incinerates metal. I don’t even believe in a wagon — and off a wagon. There’s just life– and it is.
But there’s still a part of me that believes drive, inspiration, and achievement have to be a continuous scheduled forward “doing” — otherwise, I will lose my window, my chance and I will be punished for not wanting it enough.
Wow– those are some big, heavy fears that were swirling around. I had lost trust in the rhythms of me— the push and pull of rest and play. Honoring the periods of quiet, solitude and nothingness as much as the creating, doing and moving.
And just like that– the next day, I felt pulled to do my 15 minutes again. It was a monumental moment of AHA for me.
I didn’t have to fear myself. I could trust that life will ebb and flow and I would be here doing my best in each moment— no wagon— no future. Just here and now.